Oh, I do feel in a temper! and I can never tell of
the emotions that were throbbing through me as I came up the great stairs
just now. A sudden awakening to the humiliation of the situation! How had
I ever been able to contemplate marrying a man I did not know, just to
secure myself a comfortable home! It seems preposterous now. I suppose it
was because I have always been brought up to the idea, and, until I came
face to face with the man, it did not strike me as odd. Fortunately he can
never guess that I had been willing to accept him; my dissimulation has
stood me in good stead. Now I am animated by only one idea--to appear as
agreeable and charming to Mr. Carruthers as possible. The aim and object
of my life shall be to make him regret his decision. When I hear him
imploring me to marry him, I shall regain a little of my self-respect! And
as for marriage, I shall have nothing to do with the horrid affair! Oh,
dear, no! I shall go away free and be a happy adventuress. I have read the
_Trois Mousquetaires_ and _Vingt Ans Apres_--mademoiselle had them--and I
remember milady had only three days to get round her jailer, starting with
his hating her; whereas Mr. Carruthers does not hate me, so that counts
against my only having one evening. I shall do my best!
_Thursday night.
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